Treatment and Counseling
We now provide treatment and counseling for individuals (and their
affected family members) afflicted with the obsessive / compulsive
disorders related to the antique bottle acquisition addiction.
For many years we have seen the effects of these disorders wreak havoc on
families and individuals, even though recognition of the illness within the
mental health community has only recently been forthcoming. To date, psychiatric
professionals have recognized the following specific disorders related to the
disease:
1) AOD (acquisitional obsession disorder)
This extremely destructive disorder is often thought to be the root cause of
most all related disorders. Similar to the effects of gambling or alcoholism,
the victim is obsessed with the acquisition of a particular bottle or group of
bottles and exhibits compulsive behaviors toward this end. Sufferers have been
known to lie, cheat or steal, empty savings accounts and harass former friends
or collectors in the pursuit of the object(s) of their obsession.
2) Manic-Depressive Auction Anxiety
Characterized by extreme emotional highs and lows, this disorder can be
traced to the auction activities both on Ebay and at the major antique bottle
auctions. Victims display wild exhilaration at the prospect of acquiring a
desirable bottle, followed by anxiety and despair when outbid. After a short
period of reconciliation, this process can repeat itself several times, until a
given auction ends. In some cases, this period can be followed by post-auction
depression.
3) PSC (post-sniping catatonia)
A specific malady following the final few moments of an Ebay auction,
whereby the sufferer is exhilarated at the prospect of winning a rare and
desirable bottle at below market value, only to have it "sniped" away in the
last 20 seconds by a stealth bidder or "sniper". Victims have been known to
stare blankly at their computer monitors in a catatonic trance for days
following this activity.
4) Millicoddophobia
Though not as destructive as the aforementioned maladies, sufferers display
apathy and moodiness at the prospect of having to sell a rare mineral water (in
order to pay for their addiction) and have an acute fear of having their auction
listing appear buried in the middle of five pages of British Codds. If this
happens, victim displays the same symptoms as post-sniping catatonia.
5) Bottle Envy
Similar to penis-envy, though not gender specific, this malady presents
itself among collectors who feel they have acquired the best possible example of
a specific bottle, only to learn that someone else has acquired an example in a
rare color or unlisted mold variation in equal or better condition. Bottle envy
can be the precursor to a more advanced stage of AOD.
6) Digger's Frenzy
A psychotic disorder similar to alcoholic "binging". Victims disappear for
weekends at a time, converging at some secret location where a large hole is dug
and then filled back in, in what appears to be a shared psychotic ritual. The
afflicted return home with severe back pain--often unable to resume work on
Monday. In some cases, victims are incarcerated for trespassing. In rare
instances, antique bottles are derived from this activity, but bottle envy can
ensue due to disagreements over "first pick".
Dr. Emil Schoefhausen of the AOD Clinic in
Gainesville, FL. "Treatment is conditional upon forfeiture
only." |
Obviously, this is an incomplete list of
the problems associated with the hobby, and the list grows daily.
Fortunately, through a grant funded in part by the F.S.U. School of
Psychiatric Medicine, we have at our disposal the nationally
recognized expert in AOD Therapy and Treatment, Doctor Emil
Schoefhausen, of the AOD clinic in Gainesville, Florida. Dr.
Schoefhausen has been assigned to administer online therapy through
the Bottle Den Chat Room on an appointment basis for the remainder of
the year.
As with all psychiatric disorders, treatment can only be administered
upon acceptance of and admission of the problem. The next critical
step to recovery, is "total forfeiture" of all bottles and bottle
related items. Says Dr. Schoefhausen, "the cathartic effect of
complete forfeiture has been shown to be so successful in the
treatment of AOD, that patients will only be accepted when this
important first step has already been taken." |
In an effort to further this cause, and in conjunction with the Institute,
the Bottle Den will be warehousing the former collections of the afflicted on a
continual basis. You should carefully wrap each of the offending articles
in bubble wrap and ship them to:
The Bottle Den
P.O. Box 60931
Tallahassee, FL 32301-0931
As with alcohol or tobacco addiction, we realize that in some cases the act
of forfeiture may be difficult, and that is why we encourage the spouses or
other affected family members to initiate this all important first step (if the
victim is unable to). So often, it is the loved ones of the afflicted who suffer
the tragic affects of AOD even more so than the afflicted.
We urge you to put an end to the misery now and begin the healing.
Mary Heathburgin of Peoria, Ill. writes to us, "As I carefully wrapped
each of Rod's rare bitters bottles in bubble wrap, I could feel a great weight
being lifted off my shoulders. Now that his collection is gone, we can spend
quality time together. Thank You, Bottle Den !"
Says Kay Hunt of Norman, Arkansas. "I was so disgusted with Bob's
bottle infatuation and uncontrolled spending that I was tempted to smash them
all. But as I gently wrapped each of his rare Baltimore Flasks, I felt a
cathartic and peaceful mood wash over me. I'm sure he'll come to understand the
wisdom of my decision. God Bless You, Dr. Schoefhausen, and many thanks to the
Bottle Den."
Again, our shipping address is:
The Bottle Den
P.O. Box 60931
Tallahassee, FL 32301-0931
Act now, before it's too late !
Obviously, the "article" above is an attempt
at bottle collecting humor. The facts and names are purely fictitious, though
you may find a bit of truth in them. I'm sure that site visitors will recognize
and send us more descriptive "disorders" for future publication. And . . . If
you still want to send me your rare antique bottles, call or email me for my
real address--I will accept them. -Wil
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